Sex talk

 

An Englishman, an American, and an Arab meet in a bar and quickly start talking about sex, specifically, what the most effective aphrodisiac is.

The Englishman says, “There’s no doubt in my mind, my friends, that alcohol is a true love potion. Get a young filly a little tipsy and, my word, she’ll surrender her honor faster than a French soldier!”

The American shakes his head: “No way, buddy. I love me some booze and it sure gets ‘em horny - but” - looking around, and whispering - “if you really want a guaranteed wet’n’wild ride, just give ‘er some cocaine. Nothin’ - and I mean nothin’ - gets ‘em going like coke. My, my; boys, I tell you, one sniff o’ the ol’ devil dust and she’ll be yours.”

The Arab smiles sips his whiskey and shakes his head in turn. “Gentlemen, I am afraid you are both quite incorrect. I assure you, the greatest aphrodisiac is cannabis: in my country after a woman gets stoned, you can fuck her any and every way you like....”

White face

 

A black boy goes into the kitchen where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, “Look Mama, I’m a white boy!” His mother smacks him and says, “Go tell your Daddy what you just said!” The boy finds his father and says, “Look, daddy, I’m a white boy!” His dad bends him over, spanks him, stands the boy back up, and says, “Now, what do you have to say for yourself?” The boy replies, “I’ve only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you, black people!”

Sleepover

 

A daughter asks her dad if she can have a sleepover with her girlfriends and he agrees.

Later on, he overhears their game of truth or dare to which the daughter's friend asks her when the last time she had an orgasm was. The daughter replied, "Oh, about 3 days ago." and her dad bursts into the room yelling, "I KNEW YOU WERE FAKING LAST NIGHT!"

Timbuktu

 

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists: a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu".

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand Trekked a lonely caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination---Timbuktu. The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a-huntin went, Met three whores in a pop up tent. They was three, and we was two, So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

Crazy woman

 

 A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”

She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.”

The cop asks, “So what did you do about it?”

The old lady says, “I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!”

“That seems fair enough,” the cop says, “so what’s in the other sack?”

The old lady replies with, “Not everyone pays…”

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish.

They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate. All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Reeva, What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."

Suicidal woman

 

A distressed but attractive woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve to jump off.

A passing hobo stops and says, “Since you’re about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?”

The woman replied, “Get away from me, you sicko."

The hobo then turns to leave and mutters “Fine, I’ll just go wait at the bottom.”

So this guy decides to take off work to go golfing.

So he's there on the Green, about to head his ball, when he hears, "Ribbit! Nine-iron!"

He looks down and there's a little frog next to his foot. "What did you say, little frog?"

And the frog repeats. "Ribbit! Nine-iron!"

So the man shrugs, figures what the hell, switches clubs to his 9-iron. He lines up his shot, swings, and it is a beautiful shot. The ball sails through the air and when it lands if falls 5 ft from the hole.

"That's amazing!"

"Ribbit! Told you!"

So the man scoops up the little frog, puts it on his golf cart, and drives towards his ball. And with the little frogs help he golfs the greatest game in his life. He's lowered his handicap by 5 strokes.

Then he gets an idea.

He travels with the frog to Las Vegas. He sits down at a blackjack table, and with the little frogs help he plays hand after hand.

"What do you think, little frog?"

I'm a little frog response, "Ribbit! Take a card!" or "Ribbit! Stay!"

And in very short order the man is up twenty grand. So quickly in fact that the hotel and casino comps him a room. The penthouse, in fact.

And the man gets another idea. He orders room service, and with the little frogs help he picks out the most fantastic meal he's ever had in his life.

"Ribbit! T-bone steak!"

The food comes to the room, he eats it, and he is completely satisfied. He lies down on the bed, the little frog on the pillow next to him, and he says, "Thank you so much, little frog. This is one of the greatest days of my life. And it was all thanks to you. How can I ever repay you?"

And the little frog says, "Ribbit! Kiss me!"

The man is taking a back for a second. "I'm sorry, what did you say, little frog?"

And the frog just repeats. "Ribbit! Kiss me!"

I saw the man balls over it for a moment, figures what the hell, the frog has given him a really good day so what exactly does he have to deny this frog?

he leans in, and he kisses the frog, at which point the frog in a big puff of smoke turns into a gorgeous -- although completely naked -- 15-year-old girl.

"And that, Your Honor, is how she got into my hotel room!"

Little girl

So there is this little girl at school with no friends, always jump roping, saying “31, 31, 31”. A little boy starts jumping with her and says”31, 31, 31”. He invites the girl over to his house and they are playing in the middle of the street, jump roping and saying “31, 31, 31”.

A car comes down the road and they move out of the way, but the little girl pushes the boy into the car. She starts jumping rope again, this time saying “32, 32, 32”.

A kid asks his dad "What's the difference between real and potentially?"

The father responds with "Go ask your siblings and your mother if they would have sex with a celebrity for a million dollars."

The boy asks his mom "Would you have sex with George Clooney for a million dollars?"

The mother responds " While I am a married woman, that is a lot of money. He is also a very attractive man."

The boy asks his sister "Would you have sex with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" 

"Well of course! " she exclaims.

Finally, he asks his brother "Would you have sex with Tom Cruise for a million dollars"

And he hums and haws about it "I dunno man, well... That is a lot of money. Yeah, alright I'd do it."

When the boy sees his father again the father asks " Did you figure out the difference between potentially and realistically?" 

"Yes father, Potentially were sitting on $3,000,000. Realistically we are living with two whores and a fag."

A black father and his son board a plane heading to Texas.

Upon taking their seats, the flight attendant said that they accidentally over boarded the plane and therefore, the plane is too heavy to fly. She kindly asked for any volunteers if they would be willing to leave and be rescheduled onto another flight.

Nobody moved.

The flight attendant then said “OK. We will start at the beginning of the alphabet and if any of these apply to you, please escort yourself off the plane and we will schedule you on a different one.” Everyone shook their heads in agreement.

“A. Are there any African Americans? Please come to the front of the plane.”

Nobody moved.

“OK. B. Are there any Black people on the plane? Please come to the front.”

Nobody moved.

“OK. C. Are there any Colored folks? Please come to the front of the plane.”

Nobody moved.

The black son turned to his father and said, “Dad, aren’t we all 3 of those?”

The dad turned to his son and said, “Nope, today we’re gonna be N****s and let the Mexicans go first.”

A white man walks into the doctors and says:

"I wanna be black!"

The doctor responds: "We'll have to make you 30% dumber and 80% darker."

Man: "Ok"

After surgery

Doctor: "Oh no! We accidentally made you 80% dumber and 30% darker!"

Man: ¿Qué?

3 Jews are in a Concentration camp.

The Nazi officer asks the first one "how high can you jump"? "1 meter", says the first Jew. The officer gives him some bread and water and asks the second Jew that same question. "I can jump 2 meters high". "Not bad, " says the officer and gives him wine and fish. The 3rd jew - thinking that he got the gist of the game - proudly announces that he can jump 4 meters high.

The Nazi officer shouts "SHOOT HIM, HE CAN JUMP OVER THE FENCE"

A white man, a black man and an Asian man are suddenly stopped in a car by a gunman.

 

The gunman informs the men that the total length of all their penises must be equal to or exceed 15 inches.

The White man’s measured 6 inches The Black man’s measured 8 inches The Asian man’s measure 1 inch.

The gunman let them go, and they were all relieved.

White man: You guys are so lucky I’m white and have a good size penis.

Black man: Nah, you’re lucky I have a huge penis.

Asian: Guys you are so lucky...I had a boner.

The FBI had an open position for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.'

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.'

Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.

My sister won’t let me hold her baby anymore...

Last time I held my sister’s baby, I dropped it. It wasn’t even a big deal, but she started freaking out. It was an accident! Just an accident, no big deal. What happened was, after I was holding the baby and I inevitably dropped it, we start arguing and she’s overreacting big time. She called the cops, said I did it on purpose, blah blah, of course, all the while I’m denying it. She’s all red in the face screaming at me.

But my real question is, who brings a baby to the Grand Canyon?

No, I’m just kidding, my sister doesn’t have kids.

Anymore

A blonde, a redhead and a brunette are outside smoking a cigarette.

The blonde is smoking a Camel, the redhead is smoking a Marlboro and the brunette is smoking a GPC. Suddenly, it starts to rain. The redhead and the brunette each pull out a condom and put their cigarettes in them. The blonde asks them "Why did you put your cigarettes in condoms?" To which they reply "So they don't get wet for later." The blonde quickly goes to the nearest convenience store and asks the cashier for a condom. The cashier asks the girl "What size, small, medium or large?" The girl says "I don't know, whatever size fits a camel."

A boy comes home from a fishing trip with his father.

His mother says "how was the fishing trip, son?"

The boy replies "I had a great time, every day daddy threw me out of the boat and I had to swim back to shore".

Mom "That sounds horrible"

The boy Replies "It wasn't so bad, the hard part was getting out of the bag".

Wife asks her husband, "If I died tomorrow, how long would you wait before sleeping with another woman?"

The husband said, "10 years."

"Aww really, why?" she smiled.

"She'll finally be 18 then," he answered.

I was in the middle of fucking this girl the other night.

And suddenly she stops me and whispers “turn off the light, and put it in my ass”.

I guess I should have waited for the light bulb to cool down because now she has third degree burns all around her butthole.